The Unexpected Journey of Grief: Losing Robert

December 11, 2021, will always be etched in my heart. It was the day I lost my bonus son, Robert, to suicide. It’s hard to explain the flood of emotions that overcame me, as it was a life-altering moment that would change my perspective forever. The aftermath of his loss has been a difficult journey—a path filled with grief, guilt, anger, and pain. But through it all, I have found hope and healing in God.

The Cycle of Grief

Grief is not a straight path. It’s messy, cyclical, and sometimes it feels never-ending. For me, the stages of grief—denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance—came in waves. I found myself moving back and forth between them, sometimes feeling numb and other times overwhelmed.

At first, there was disbelief. How could someone I loved, who had been given opportunities to rebuild his life, choose such a permanent path? I couldn’t understand, and for a long time, I didn’t want to. I kept thinking of what I could have done differently, how I could have helped him more, and how I missed the signs that he was struggling so deeply.

The Guilt That Follows

One of the heaviest burdens to carry after Robert’s passing was guilt. There was this constant voice in the back of my mind, whispering all the “what ifs.” What if I had been more present? What if I had reached out to him one more time? What if I had done more to help him navigate life after his release from prison? It’s easy to get lost in these thoughts, but I’ve come to realize that guilt can consume you if you let it.

Through prayer, I’ve learned to hand that guilt over to God. I’ve had to remind myself that I did what I could and that Robert made his own decisions. It’s a difficult truth, but one that offers a sense of peace. No matter how much we want to control outcomes, some things are simply beyond our grasp.

The Pain and Anger

There is a unique kind of pain that comes with losing someone to suicide. It’s a deep wound that leaves you questioning everything. I was angry—angry at Robert for leaving, angry at the world for being so unfair, and at times, angry at myself for not being able to prevent it.

Anger can be paralyzing, but I’ve also learned it can be part of the healing process. It’s not about suppressing the emotion, but about working through it. Over time, I’ve tried to turn that anger into understanding—understanding that Robert was lost, confused, and struggling in ways I couldn’t fully grasp.

Life-Changing Loss

Losing Robert has changed me. The person I was before December 11, 2021, is not the person I am today. His death forced me to confront my own limitations, my need for control, and my understanding of life’s fragility. I’ve had to relearn how to find joy, how to heal, and how to live with the questions that will never be answered.

This journey has been filled with tears and heartache, but it’s also taught me the importance of grace—grace for myself, for others, and even for Robert. The way I look at life has shifted; I now approach it with more compassion, more patience, and a deeper reliance on God.

Finding God in the Darkness

Through it all, I am so thankful for God. Without Him, I don’t know how I would have survived this journey. God has been my anchor in the storm, the One I turn to when the grief feels overwhelming. His presence has reminded me that even in the darkest moments, there is light. He’s shown me that while Robert’s life was cut short, there is still hope and healing to be found.

God doesn’t remove the pain, but He walks through it with us. He has been with me in my anger, my sorrow, and my doubt. He’s taught me to surrender what I cannot change and to trust in His plan, even when I don’t understand it. Through prayer, I’ve found peace, and through His word, I’ve found the strength to keep going.

Moving Forward with Hope

As I continue to walk this road of grief, I’m learning that it’s okay to not have all the answers. It’s okay to feel the pain and the anger and to wrestle with God over the “why.” But I’ve also learned that there is hope beyond the grief. God’s love has a way of mending the broken places in our hearts if we let Him.

Losing Robert was one of the hardest things I’ve ever gone through, and the scars of that loss will always be with me. But I hold onto the belief that he is now at peace and that one day, I will see him again. Until then, I will continue to lean on God for strength and healing, trusting that He will carry me through the rest of this journey.